Coping As A Stepmom

Stepfamily life demands a kind of emotional flexibility that few people fully anticipate before they enter it, and the experience of becoming a stepmother to three children at once offers a particularly instructive lens through which to examine family dynamics, identity, and the often-invisible labour of blended family relationships. As far back as I can remember, the one thing I always wanted to be was a mom. I had dreams of being the perfect mother, giving and showing love and affection to my children and having them give that same kind of unconditional love back to me. Unfortunately, that was not meant to be. It seems God had something else in store for me, something that I wasn’t totally prepared for, and that was the role of a stepmom. Helping to raise one child that is not biologically yours is difficult; imagine having three of them. Coping as a stepmom is truly a work in progress, filled with rewards and challenges, and many of those challenges have to be dealt with through understanding, compromise, and love.

My adventure in becoming a stepmom began on October 29, 2005, the day I married my husband and his three children. He had been divorced from his ex-wife for four years when we finally tied the knot. When I met him in 2004, he had been a bachelor and single dad for three years. Of course, he and his kids had got used to being together and doing things together, so it wasn’t easy trying to fit in, especially for and with the kids. They quickly let me know they had a mother and weren’t too interested in having another one. That directness, while initially hard to hear, turned out to be one of the more honest and ultimately useful aspects of our early adjustment.

One challenge we had to address early on was what the kids were going to call me. When we first met, they called me Miss Sheryl, and that was okay because it was respectful. Right before we got engaged, I remember saying to the kids that they should drop the “Miss” and just call me by my first name. The youngest at the time, 9-year-old Trey, and oldest, 13-year-old Haley, thought it was a good idea and made the change right away with no problem. The middle child, 10-year-old Lunden, had the hardest time because she was not ready to let go of the idea that maybe her parents would get back together. Once the engagement was announced and wedding plans were underway, she came around and just started calling me by my first name. Parenting experts say “in their desire to present a close-knit family image, step parents and parents often push for relationship terms as mom and dad, or mama and papa, or straight mother and father.” They go on to say that for the kids, these terms could symbolise the replacement or loss of the biological parent and, instead of unifying the family, it can put up a barrier (Visher & Visher, 1982). By allowing them to continue to call me by my first name, the transition from dad’s girlfriend to wife and stepmom was seamless in that respect.

Speaking of their mother, the relationship between the two of us started out a little shaky. The first time Sharon and I met was awkward. My husband and I were still in the dating mode when we went to pick the kids up for a 4th of July picnic in the park. She gave me a quick and cold hello, and then went about her business. I remember telling one of my girlfriends that I had never been treated so rudely. But my girlfriend explained what Sharon was probably feeling, because she herself felt the same way when she met her ex’s new girlfriend; consequently, she told me to always keep the best interest of the children at the forefront. Audrey Seaton-Bacon, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist in Whittier, California, says “having your little ones see birth parents and step parent working as a team is valuable and helpful” (Hunter, 2006). I have found that to be so true. My husband, his ex-wife, and I try to keep the lines of communication open at all times. Author Anne Burt says this is the most important thing; she also says no matter how much dislike there may be between a biological parent and a step parent, “remain respectful and never show any hostility or resentment in front of your child” (Burt, 2007).

Now we all attend school plays, concerts, and other events as a family — as much as we can be as a family without discomfort. “A child’s public events should be an opportunity for the whole family to bond” (Burt, 2007). I think once my step kids’ mom realised that I wasn’t a threat to her, she became less jealous of me and now she’s even friendlier. The kids love and respect her as their mom, and they give me the same as their stepmom. Seaton-Bacon says “it’s actually good for kids to develop a healthy attachment to a step parent” (Hunter, 2006).

We all agreed early on that when it came to the discipline issue, dad and mom would handle that. Like many stepmoms, I didn’t want that responsibility for fear of resentment. On the other hand, I felt that my husband was too laid back and needed to improve in that department. In one of her ten parenting tips for stepmoms, Rachelle Katz says “when stepchildren misbehave, first focus your attention on your partner rather than the children. Let him know, gently and calmly, that you feel he needs to assert his authority in order to help his children grow and develop, and feel secure and protected” (Katz, 2010). This was and still is a touchy subject. No matter how gently I try to bring this to my husband’s attention, he doesn’t seem to take it too well. Research on stepfamily dynamics consistently suggests that discipline is among the most contested territories in blended families, particularly in the early years of a new partnership (Hetherington & Kelly, 2002).

While trying to develop a cordial, working relationship with my step kids’ mom, I was also trying to find my place in the family structure. My husband doesn’t have to deal with my ex the way I have to deal with his. Extended family situations come up quite frequently, and it takes a lot of patience and understanding to handle those situations. What seems to help me the most is remembering that I am his wife now, and my main role is to be my husband’s wife and helpmate. By doing this, I feel I have found my place.

We are growing together and bonding as a family each and every day. One thing that we had to do was come up with house rules that involved making changes and setting boundaries. At first, I always felt like an outsider, and I think that had a lot to do with not knowing what I was allowed to do or say in my own home. Once we established the house rules that each of us had to abide by, I was finally able to speak up, based on whether or not the rules were being followed. In her book “How to Handle Your Husband’s Kids,” stepmom and author Jacquelyn Fletcher says this is when she finally got some relief. “When everyone in the family knows the house rules, you and your partner can back each other up when a transgression occurs. Working together as a team is important for you as a couple and teaches children that they can’t divide and conquer” (Katz, 2010).

As my stepchildren and I have grown closer, we’ve developed quality relationships. The three of them have very distinct personalities and have to be treated accordingly. The oldest and I go shopping together; my middle stepdaughter and I spend a lot of time just talking; my 14-year-old stepson is into writing song and rap lyrics, and he asks for my opinions and suggestions all the time. The fact that I show an interest in what he’s writing and why he’s writing it has made all the difference in our relationship. “Since quality relationships are built from one-on-one interactions, spend private time with each of your stepchildren. Find common interests and activities, such as a hobby or a sport, to do with them” (Katz, 2010). “Love is an emotion that can’t be forced. If you love your stepchildren, that’s wonderful. If you don’t, that’s also acceptable, as long as you provide kindness, compassion and respect to them. No more and no less should be expected of you” (Katz, 2010). Once I realised that I didn’t have to love my stepchildren right away, and that they didn’t have to love me back right away, it was easier for us to bond.

Finding the right family blend in a stepfamily situation can be difficult at best. We’ve built a foundation based on trust and good communication. An article written in 1997 for The Coalition for Collaborative Divorce stated that stepfamilies would be the most common type of family in the country by 2010. “It is wise to assume that people have good reasons for their emotions and reactions, even if the reasons are not obvious. This attitude helps build respect and trust” (Aronsohn, 1997).

We’ve come up with a new family tradition: once a month, we get together for the Williams Family Gathering. “This simple routine allows a sense of something stable, something to count on, something ‘this family’ does” (Aronsohn, 1997). My step kids are always asking when and where this month; they absolutely love it.

In conclusion, coping as a stepmom is not the same as the role of mom. It can sometimes seem like you’re on a roller coaster ride that never stops. Stepmoms have to tread lightly and cautiously. As Hetherington and Kelly (2002) point out in their longitudinal research on divorce and remarriage, the majority of stepfamilies do stabilise and function effectively, but this usually requires several years of adjustment, clear communication, and a willingness from all parties to renegotiate roles as children mature. We’ve had our ups and downs over the last 5 years, and I’m sure we’ll have many more. But now we have a stronger foundation from which to work. This work in progress will continue to remind us of the valuable lessons we’ve learned, like understanding and compromising, to develop stronger, more loving, and successful relationships between us.

The challenges have not come without rewards. During a celebration for my 50th birthday, my three stepchildren stood together at the podium and told our family and friends that they consider me more of a mom than a stepmom. When they said how much they loved and appreciated me, it brought tears to my eyes. For the first time, I felt like I’m doing something right as a stepmom.

References

Hetherington, E. M., & Kelly, J. (2002). For Better or For Worse: Divorce Reconsidered. W. W. Norton. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3729.2000.00389.x

Katz, R. (2010). The Happy Stepmother. Harlequin.

Visher, E. B., & Visher, J. S. (1982). How to Win as a Stepfamily. Dembner Books.

Burt, A. (2007). My Other Ex: Women’s True Stories of Leaving and Losing Friendships. HerStories Project Press.

Ganong, L., & Coleman, M. (2018). Studying stepfamilies: Four eras of family scholarship. Family Process, 57(1), 7–24. https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12307